• Jen

Budgie

As the surgeon counts upwards to ten, Gareth squeezes firmly on Keiron’s hand. They’ve only known one another for a mere few weeks in person, but due to a nearly decade long online friendship, Gareth says he thinks of Keiron more like a brother. As Dr. Angelopoulas reaches number six in his count, Gareth begins to lose consciousness & Keiron leans in close to Gareth’s ear, and whispers softly - “You’re doing something truly important here. Godspeed, good buddy.”


Two months earlier, Gareth had stood up before forty other men at a conference on Biological Essentialism to volunteer himself for the cause. All they needed was one brave soul. One fearless maverick to make the ultimate sacrifice - to show the public they were indeed a credible organisation. To prove a point.


He wouldn’t be the first though. Six months before this - a man named Jasper Fitzpatrick would undergo the illegal, experimental procedure in a Hangar in Thailand. The operation took a total of 32 hours, and the team who performed it never made their true identities public for fear of prosecution. When Fitzpatrick came to, it looked as if the surgery had been a success. Everything looked right, from the landing skid, right up to the horizontal stabilizer. Even at take off, things seemed promising, with Jasper managing to achieve upwards of 900 feet in the air. The Gender Critical men who attended that fateful day whooped & punched the air - but their elation quickly turned to horror as Fitzpatrick began to nosedive. I’m told that a video exists of the tragedy, and those who have seen it have needed treatment for PTSD. Fitzpatrick spun out of control that day, and although he did not technically die - many say that his life is now nothing more than a cruel joke.


Eight months before this, a post was made on the online forum TransSkepticalManZone.net. Presumed to have been written by a "pink haired, disgruntled trans activist weirdo", the post challenged the forum’s members to put their money where their mouths were and actually commit to the claim a majority of its members were making. Although initially intended as a joke, the post had something of a snowball effect. Arguments raged on the forum, and before long it was decided that the only way the Biological Essentialists could save face, was to go through with the challenge…


... and so here we are - just myself & a select few journalists from various right-leaning print & television organisations who have been invited along to witness this afternoon’s “big reveal”. After Gareth went under, we were ushered out of the Californian hangar & made to wait in a canteen for just under 16 hours. Medical science has come a long way since the Thailand attempt, and we are all on tenterhooks to see the results. Suddenly, music begins to boom out over the speaker system (Flight of The Valkyries) and we are taken into the hangar. Keiron Harris, the group’s enigmatic spokesman, welcomes us. He is a short man, with slick-back jet-black hair & ginger goatee beard.


“Thank you all for coming”. He booms, cheerily. “As you all know, what started as a pathetic trolling attempt on our forums, has quickly morphed into an important statement & social movement. What you are about to see today, is what Nietzsche described as the Übermensch. Not some stupid new gender, but instead - the next stage of Man. Gareth has thrown away his old body, and replaced it with a superior one. And with a new body, comes a new name… so without further adieu, I present to you fine people… Budgie”.


As the tarpaulin is heaved off, “Budgie” is revealed to us. Garath’s once fairly normal sized face is now almost fifty times as large, and stretched out onto the front of what appears to be a modified AH-64D Apache Longbow Attack Helicopter. His grimace seems pained, yet somehow proud. The unmistakable cheer & applause of satisfied men echoes around the hangar.


Later I ask Harris how he feels the day went, to which he beams “Oh, a huge success for proud men & women everywhere!” I mention that I am disappointed that there will be no test-flight today, but Harris says that after Thailand they aren’t taking any chances. He assures me that a test-flight will indeed take place in the next few months (which I will be invited to) but they’re taking it slowly & safely this time around.


I ask Harris whatever came of Jasper Fitzpatrick, their first attempt at turning Man into Attack Helicopter. He informed me that Fitzpatrick, although unable to ever fly again, has found work in Thailand performing for expats in an evening show called “Budgie-Boys Of Bangkok”.


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