Hay Bae #1 - Slipper Gal
Updated: Jun 23
Hay Bae, you good?
I’ve decided to start a “daily” blog, for about the millionth time. Notice how I’ve used quotation marks there, because I’ve attempted this before & it’s pretty likely that I’ll end up not doing it every single day. The thing is, I’ve got this flipping blog on my flipping website & I feel as if I should be getting my flipping money’s worth. A bit like how when I go to a cafe and I fill my bag up with free sugar sachets, even though I don’t even usually take sugar, I'm not gonna steal Splenda am I? Who does that? Splenda has no street value.
Also, we’re still technically in lockdown and with no stand up to do, I’m desperately clutching at straws to find ways of expressing myself. So, let’s just see if this picks up any steam.
I’m moving again, which is dead exciting. See, I’ve been living back at my Dad’s for the past year after moving back to London from Brighton - and it was only supposed to be for a little while as I figure stuff out, but loads of things got in the way & he always buys a french stick baguette on the weekends & has Virgin TV, so what was I gonna do? Still, he mentioned recently that I’d been there a year, and I thought Oh Gosh, I best get back on with my darned life. So I started putting the feelers out there for a place. Usually I look on moving sites or whatever, but this time I decided to utilise the ever omniscient power of Twitter. This felt like a good idea, especially as I was looking to move in with someone & I wanted it to either be a friend, or a friend of a friend. I got a lot of lovely, helpful responses (mainly because I’m an absolute gem & literally everyone loves me) and long story short, I’m moving to Hackney next week. This will be the most central I’ve ever lived, and as I understand it I’ll only be a little ways away from Shoreditch, so expect me to be dressed like a massive bell-end next time you see me!
One thing I’ve already noticed about the local area is, the men all tend to ride little bikes and have skateboards on their backs, and the women all seem to ride little bikes and have yoga mats on theirs. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, and vise versa - but let me employ sex-based stereotyping for just a minute so I can oversimplify for the purposes of comedy. Geez, haven’t you ever seen stand up before?
I feel a little bit bad about moving out, and leaving my dad on his own. I mean, my sister will be there. And all the family lives right around the corner. And the internet is literally a groundbreaking tool which enables people from all across the globe to connect with one another. But I still feel a bit bad. But last time I checked, I was an adult dammit. I’m still not completely happy about that fact, but it is the truth. And besides, I’m probably reading too much into it. My Dad is no doubt happy to be getting rid of me. He’s recently started collecting Toby Jugs, which he bids for on Ebay (Ok, Boomer) & It’s getting out of hand. I’m not even kidding around when I say he has amassed about 75 of them. They’re scattered around the kitchen, and they overlook me every dinner time with their gammon grimaces. At least now, with me going, he’ll have a spare room to house them all in.
Moving always feels like a good opportunity to start fresh. New flat, new me - sort of thing. For example, I’ve already bought some slippers. I never wear slippers now, but the truth is, I have always wanted to. For years, I have been making due with slipper-socks, telling myself that I’m not a “slipper-person” for whatever reason. But now I can start fresh. I can be a slipper person. I can wear them, and be like “Yeah, I wear slippers. That’s just the kind of gal I am”.
I just hope that the Central-London Comedy Elite embraces me. I know I am but a rough Catford Scallywag, who spent some time in the lost woods of Brighton and then turned recent Eltham Urchin. I will need to be washed, and given elocution lessons - I understand this. But I pray that before long I will be a Pretty Woman, transformed & reborn. I will drink nothing but Iced Lattes & I will do Yoga in the park & I will buy organic & I will never again say “init” in public.
Anyway Bae, it was nice chatting 2 u. Same time tomorrow? Ciao, Darling.