• Jen

Hay Bae #2 - Boss Ass Buddhist Bitch

Updated: Jun 23

21/06/20


Hay Bae, you alright?


I’ve noticed that while we’ve all been in lockdown, I’ve sort of forgotten how to walk. I mean, I still have the basics - one foot in front of the other, but it’s sort of devolved into the shuffle of a ninety year old. I went out for a walk the other day to get some basics for my move, and usually the walk is easy peasy lemon squeezy, no big deal, I can do it with my flipping eyes closed, record time, water of a duck’s back etc. But by the time I got into beautiful Eltham, my legs were all wobbly and fucked. I think I just resigned myself to hermit life a bit too easily. When I found out that I wasn’t allowed to go outside, I reverted back to my 15 year old self, who had their bedroom painted black & asked for tinted windows for one of their birthdays, and then their dad took it one step too far and attached dungeon style nobs onto the bedroom door.


It’s Father’s Day today, and I bought my dad a talking parrot toy. Only 90’s Kids Will Get This. There was a period, during the Pog Age, where every uncle had a talking parrot toy hanging in their smelly little kitchen. You would say something to it, and it would record what you said & play it back to you in a higher pitch. They showed me what my voice would sound like as a distorted, inaudible woman, and from that moment I knew anything was possible. Before iPhones & Minecraft they were the must have technology. When it arrived, I was astounded to discover that technology has moved on even further now - because it’s wings move up and down as well now. It sounds like a weird present for a man in his 70’s, but when you consider that he’s got a massive pirate thing going on at the moment, it makes a bit more sense. He liked it - and he’s hard to please.


Father’s Day is better than a birthday, because really it only lasts until noon. He opens his presents, pretends to like them, and then by 12 we can all just get on with whatever else we had planned. It’s not that we don’t care about him, it’s just that even he understands deep down that it’s not a real holiday. The ritual has been upheld, and the Gods have been fooled for another year. Yeah Holiday Gods, we all get along. Look at us - the family of the bloomin’ year over here.


I finished packing for my move. I’m getting better at moving, because each time I’ve moved on for the past 10 years I’ve taken less and less with me. If I keep going at this rate, I’ll be completely enlightened by 35. No possessions at all. John Lennon would be proud (although I don’t care what he thinks, cos he was a nasty man, and everyone knows that Paul is the real talent). Take that Buddhists. Speaking of which, I noticed recently that I was listening to an audiobook on Buddhism at 1.5% speed. I cram spirituality & inner peace like a fucking boss. I like audiobooks, they’re sort of like podcasts but not shit. It’s like reading a real book, but you only retain about 30% of the information, which is alright - because most books are usually 50% useless padding anyway. Mathematically it all works out. I read real books as well, by the way. I dunno why I feel obliged to tell you that though, it’s pretty insecure. It’s like: oh no, I hope they don’t think I can’t read! I have to tell them that I also read with my eyes. For balance, I should also let you guys know that I support the sign language community & also embrace non-verbal communication. I sometimes read the ingredients on crisp packets too. A lot of starch.


I dunno why, but sometimes when I’m listening to an audiobook in a public place, I get self conscious that strangers will know I’m listening to an audiobook. I don’t know why I care. I think there’s an assumption that if you listen to audiobooks you are an interminable piece of shit. I blame this on those Audible adverts with Stephen Fry & those pretentious monkeys. So, what I do is - I bob my head along to pretend music so people think I’m listening to the coolest Compton based hip hop song in my headphones (when in reality, I’m actually throwing up gang signs to Why Buddhism Is True). Siddhartha Guatama aint nothin’ to fuck with.


I gotta go now, cos I’m going for a walk with a friend. I need the practise. We’re going to have a picnic under a tree, like the Buddha did. And eat vegetarian scotch eggs, like the Buddha did. And bitch about other comedians on the circuit, like the Buddha did.


Anyway Bae, it was nice chatting 2 u. Same time tomorrow? Namaste.






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