• Jen

Hay Bae #3 - Rule Britannia Sub

Updated: Jun 23


Hay Bae, you good?

I had Subway for the first time in months yesterday, and I don’t even like Subway. I think I was just caught up in that Covid Fever. The shops are starting to open back up again, and the dizzying thrill of capitalism can take a gal over. This pandemic has changed us all in profound ways. Whoever you thought you were before Covid-19, that person is gone now. Yeah, I’ll take a 6 inch Hearty Italian - any - day - of - the - week. The only thing is, they do push the upselling on those cookies hard. It’s like, mate - I love cookies. But I’m here for a sandwich. And you know what, it ain’t even a “sandwich” - it’s a roll. I think I’d have more respect for Subway if they did some sort of chips with it, instead of some weak-ass primary school lunchbox Walkers crisps. What other sides you got? A Dairy Lee Triangle? Filth.

I can’t go in a Subway without thinking about my first ever Subway Sandwich Experience. It was a hazy summer day in Trafalgar Square - mid noughties. There we are, me and my school friends, overlooking the culinary Rorschach test that is the deli & salad selection station. Mind the gap, baby. My mind is racing. What sort of a Sandwich Person am I? “What’s it to be?” I freeze. The choice is overwhelming. I am temporarily blinded by the prospect of a piece of the American Dream sitting right here, in the centre of London. Do I get free refills? Am I expected to tip? Are they going to put maple syrup on it? But then I remember, I am but a teen. I only have £3 to my name, because I spent the rest of my money on stickers for my skateboard and a fabric patch which reads “People = Shit”. I ask for “Just ham please” and the man behind the counter says “No salad?” and I say “No thank you”. After we leave, I am mocked for not understanding the rules. I had made the rooky mistake of assuming that each additional salad item cost extra, like wot pizza toppings do. How was I to know? So I just sat there, eating the driest Subway Sandwich ever conceived. I call it The Rule Britannia. 100% Gammon on PLAIN ENGLISH DRY BREAD. That’s not why I dislike Subway though. I dislike it because it tastes like floral foam.

Me & my good pal Jade had a social distance adhering picnic in Eltham, and I realised that it was the first actual face to face, human contact I’ve had with a friend since lockdown started. Sure, you can do a “web chat” but like a lot of these “Online Gigs” they are doing now, it’s just not the same. This was one conversation that Zoom wasn’t going to get it’s greasy little hands on.

Just before lockdown started, I was about to launch a new comedy night in Kings Cross. I had a brilliant venue secured, and I had a killer line up. I was going to MC it - and it was going to be tonight. It’s a real flipping shame, but my plan is as soon as everyone feels safe enough to start hitting the mic again, I’m going to get the ball rolling on it.

Tomorrow I’m heading into Hackney to sign my tenancy for the move, and I’m dead excited about it. I have booked the day off work, so will probably spend the rest of the afternoon just wandering around the area & figuring out where all the good dick is (and by good dick, yes - I mean the local library & doctor’s surgery). For now though, that’s it.

Anyway Bae, it was nice chatting 2 u. Same time tomorrow? Laterz.


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