• Jen

Hay Bae #5 - The Gen Z Files


Hay Bae, you good?

As I write this, my internet is down. I'm supposed to be working from home, but with no internet I can't connect to the server. The perfect, distraction free time for a "Hay Bae".

It's kind of exciting when the internet goes down. Even though it's gone down plenty of times before, there's always that little part of my brain which goes "oh my gosh, is it the end of the world? Is the internet gone for good now? Are we going to have to use a barter system again, and shower using collected rain water & learn how to make clothes out of sticks and leaves and Ethernet cables"? The internet going down is like a day-time power cut. I know it won't help, but I have an overwhelming desire to start lighting candles. The only time you get to light candles these days is during a power cut, or if you're a Wiccan, and as cool as that would be I just don't have the time to learn the Tarot.

I'm waiting for the post-person to come. I ordered some jelly sandals (like clear, glittery ones) - further proving Gen-Z right in their cruel accusation that Millennials are obsessed with nostalgia. Hey Gen-Z, you'll be obsessed with nostalgia too when you're 30 and you miss TikTok because it was acquired & then liquidised by a multi-billion dollar organisation & replaced with a piece of internet spy technology. It's important that I hear the doorbell, because this is a re-delivery. The first time around, I wasn't in so I got one of those red letters through the door. Usually, I'd actually go to the special place and pick it up, but because of the Covids they're only open from 7am to 9am (Covid doesn't get up before 10, because it's 19).

I have a date booked in for my surgery now - November 15th. I'm getting breast augmentation & a rhinoplasty. The surgeon says that he can do both procedures at the same time, which is kinda resourceful. Hell, while we're at it you wanna chuck in a couple more procedures? Surprise me. I'm really looking forward to that moment when they unwrap my entire head (I know it's just the nose, but I will be insisting that they wrap my entire face up) and I say "the mirror!" and they hand me a Victorian hand-mirror. In shock, I drop it and it smashes. CUT TO: broken shards, you can see partial reflections of my beautiful nose.

A lot of people have asked me if I'm scared about having the surgery, and it's weird because I'm totally not. I might be a bit nervous on the day, but I think what scares me more is the idea of going through the rest of my life looking mannish. I know it's fucked up, but it's the truth. I don't think surgery is for everybody, and I'm not trying to endorse it. I don't think trans people should feel like they need to get it in order to be happy, but also - I'm a massive hypocrite and I'm gonna alter my body and face so I feel beautiful, OKAY DAD?

Surgery isn't scary, really. They're going to knock me out, so if I die - I won't even know about it. I'll tell you what's scary - those people who have brain surgery but have to stay awake during it. Can you imagine being awake, and having someone mess around with your actual brain? I don't like to the think about the inside of my body. Sometimes, I'll just be sitting at a bus stop or whatever, and I'll look down at my arm and I'll think "there's bones in there". For the most part we go about our whole life pretending that we don't have insides, so when we cut ourselves or break a bone - we're reminded of how delicate we really are and it freaks us out.

How come though, whenever someone gets brain surgery they're always playing a violin? Like, I know they need you to be doing something active so they can see if you're alright, but why's it always gotta be violinists? Don't drummers get brain surgery? Cos they need it! (little bit of anti-drummer band-humour there, from my days in a metal band). I suppose it'd be quite hard for the surgeon to concentrate with someone doing a drum solo. Besides, all high-paid medical professionals went to posh school & love classical music (even though it's boring, am I right?)

I downloaded a weight loss app today, as well. It tracks what you're eating, and counts your steps. Now the internet has gone down though, I'm wondering if I can use this time to cram as much chocolate into my gob as possible. It's like in the X-Files*, when the aliens come down and abduct you & you wake up in your car by the side of the road, and you look at your watch and you've lost 15 minutes. Anything goes in that window - chocolate, writing a blog, a little bit on anal probing. Anyway, just to keep you updated - I've had 2 slices of toast with peanut butter on. 1 x cup of tea, with splenda & I'm going to have a banana at 11. So far, I'm killing it.

Anyway, have a lovely day & we'll chat again tomorrow. Ciao Bae.

*for Gen-Z - The X-Files was a "Monster of the Week" series about two FBI agents called Mulder & Scully who investigate UFOs, shape-shifters, psychic children & one time, the Loch-Ness Monster. Yes, it's nostalgic - I'm so sorry. But you should check it out, because it's 1000% better than "American Horror Story" or "You" or "Paw Patrol" or whatever the hell you kids are watching these day.


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