• Jen

Hay Bae #8 - The Gal With One Shitty Brain


Hay Bae, you good?

I woke up this morning in a bit of a fluster, cos I had one of those dreams where all your teeth fall out. It's not the first time I've had that dream, but it's always scary. Who wants to lose all their teeth? How would I eat fruits & vegetables? Actually, you know what - most of the food I eat is like soft pasta, or bread - so screw it. I can live without them. All I need are these 2 lips for kissin' - ya dig?

After the initial haze of the dream-state wore off & I realised that I was in the real world (or was I? - you seen Inception? It's pretty crazy!) I suddenly felt disappointed in my brain’s lack of creativity. The teeth dream, really? To give my brain credit though, it did at least try to vary the narrative slightly. In the dream, I lost all my teeth, except for the front two - except they were heavily chipped, so I looked like some type of calcium deficient beaver. I googled "what does teeth falling out dream mean?" and the results basically said that it can mean anything & everything. Dream interpretation has got to be the biggest scam going these days, what with all the big dream interpretation kits they're selling on the streets & door to door. Don't even get me started on the Dream Interpretation Network. The thing about dreams is, it's all relative isn't it? One person's dream about their teeth falling out could be because they're scared of getting old, but another person's could be because when they were 15 they got their teeth knocked out by a cricket ball. I had a dream that I found a dream interpretation book on the floor - what does that mean, huh? I'm calling you out, Dream Interpreters. Fight me. Opening up a blog about a dream I had last night is a pretty bold move considering people say that hearing about dreams is the most boring thing ever. I guess I'm just a bold kinda gal. I'm not afraid to take risks. I'm testing you.

A couple of days ago I published this "spec-script" of a fictional episode of Graham Linehan's IT CROWD & for some reason it went sort of "semi-viral" on twitter. I mean, it's no Chocolate Rain - but it's the most attention I've ever gotten online. It was really nice to see something I'd written resonate with people, and it's sort of funny which things do. I think a lot of people are tired of Linehan's buffoonery, and I guess I just wanted to write something that addressed it. A few days before, I actually wrote this long essay about Graham Linehan - but the tone wasn't right. I ain't no serious essayist. I'm a goofball. I like that role, you know? I wanna do it funny, or I don't wanna do it. I mean, that isn't true at all. The truth is, the "essay" I wrote was just shit. But embracing the "Spirit of the Sacred Clown" is a much cooler way of covering up my own shortcomings as an activist. But anyways, thanks to everyone who shared the thing around - I love attention.

Carl Reiner died. It's a bummer, cos he was 98 & nobody should go that young. Reiner directed two of my all time favourite comedy films - "The Jerk" & "The Man With Two Brains" (both starring Steve Martin). Honestly, if you haven't seen them - I cannot recommend them highly enough. The Martin/Reiner power-couple produced the sort of comedy film that rarely gets made anymore. They were films with huge heart, which if you took the jokes out of, could easily stand up as beautiful, weird love stories - but why the hell would you want to take the jokes out? The jokes are unbeatable. Honestly, the pace at which the gags come at you in these productions is exhausting - and any stand up comedian on the circuit would wish they had thought of them first.

In one of my favourite moments, after playing a beautiful duet rendition of "Tonight You Belong To Me", Bernadette Peters character "Marie" does a ridiculous trumpet solo on the beach, and Steve Martin's character "Navin" gazes longingly at her:

Navin: You know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up... and float right down the end of this coronet... right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, and right up against your lips and give you a kiss.

Marie: Why didn’t you?

Navin: I didn’t want to get spit on me.

It's true that there are jokes in both of these films that have not aged well, and that might be why you don't see them too often on TV now (TV is what we used to watch, before VR) but for the most part Reiner's work maintains a timeless quality. I still maintain that The Jerk is miles better than Annie Hall ever was, and is largely a guilt free watch.

I'm going to go before this entry gets too maudlin, but I just wanted to mention Reiner because anyone who knows me well knows how much I love his work. I hope he's picking out a thermos in heaven.

Same time tomorrow, shithead?


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