• Jen

Hay Bae #9 - The Woman of Cumberland Hill


Hay Bae, you good?

I was thinking about ghosts today (well, I think there's always at least one part of my brain that's thinking about ghosts, I'm quite into the spectres), but I guess I was just thinking about how when I was like 10 - I told my parents & most of the kids on my street that I had seen an actual ghost down by the new flats on Cumberland Hill. I had gotten myself so worked up about it, that I was bawling my eyes out & in a sort of manic, panicked state. I told everyone that a see through woman had appeared, and she was floating off of the ground. I rallied everyone down to the flats to look at the empty area where it had once materialised. The only thing is, I was totally lying. I remember conceiving the lie, and putting it into action. To this day, I still don't really know why I did it - probably for attention, I guess. What's weirder to me though, is that I still remember feeling genuinely scared and upset. The fear was real - but the ghoul that was givin' me the willies... was me (how's that for a twist, M.Night?)

I don't know if I've ever really seen a ghost, I don't really know what a ghost is. I do know that I've seen some weird stuff though. About 9 months ago, when I was in one of my "blue periods" (which is coded language for "having the weepies") there was one evening when I was convinced I had seen a pen move across my desk completely of its own volition. I remember saying to myself out loud "This is real. This is actually happening. You've gone mad. You've gone fucking mad, Jen". I rationalised it by telling myself that it was depression making me hallucinate, and hey - there's definitely some logic to that. Sometimes, on a really bad day, the world does seem hazier - or more ethereal. Thing is though, reality isn't even real is it? (how's that for some philosophy). You know what I mean, though - what we see is just our perception of the world. It's the way our particular brain evolution makes sense of the world through our particularly evolved eyes. Therefore, ghosts are real and I don't wanna hear anymore about - alright Dawkins?

Philosophers are always going on about how when you look at a table, a table doesn't actually look like that - it's just your relative perception of a table. But what I wanna know is, why are philosophers so obsessed with tables? If you like tables so much, give up the philosophy and go work in an Ikea.

If ghosts are real though, why do they choose to haunt houses? You'd think that after you become spirit & give up the physical body - you'd probably also give up on sheltered accommodation. If I were a ghost, I'd just fly about around the sky and stuff. I'd probably float right up to the top of the Shard and scare whoever the hell works at the top of that. I dunno, maybe ghosts just have to haunt houses. Maybe God just really cares about real-estate security & employs ghosts to house sit for families when they're on holiday.

Do you reckon there's at least one proper dopey ghost who thinks he's haunting a house, but he's actually just in one of those Ikea show-homes. All the other ghouls make fun of him and call him a berk behind his back (or whatever the ghost equivalent of a back is. No body, no back).

I'm really into ghosts, even if I haven't decided if I believe in them yet. I watch a lot of videos online of apparent "real ghosts" caught on tape, but most of them are undeniably hoaxes. It doesn't make them any less thrilling or fun though. Maybe that's what I was trying to do as a 10 year old. I was probably just trying to entertain an audience (in a misguided and insensitive way - I know my fellow comedians can relate). What I do know though, is that a lot of people say they've seen one. And I like people, and I usually give them the benefit of the doubt. So, when someone tells me they've seen a ghost, I believe that they saw something weird. I reckon that's the least I can do. I hope that one day I do see a ghost. I'm not really scared of them, on account of them being see-through and sort of camp. I mean, what's it going to do - move a pen in a passive aggressive way towards me?

Anyway, was nice chatting at you. Same time tomorrow? Cool. Can't wait. Spook ya later.


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