TRANSCRIPTS: IT CROWD
Series 5, Episode 1 : "Three Characters or Less"
Since we last saw the gang - Jen, Roy & Moss have moved to San Francisco to work for Twitter HQ's IT department...
INT. BASEMENT OFFICE. TWITTER HQ, SAN FRANCISCO. DAY
ROY and MOSS sit at their desks. ROY is on the phone to an employee upstairs - he rolls his eyes & bites into a take-away cheese burger. MOSS is staring at the foam on top of his latte.
MOSS: I don’t know what this is Roy…
ROY (on phone): No, you’re going to have to speak more clearly Sir. I can’t understand you...
MOSS: Is there supposed to be sea-foam on the top? Do I drink it, or is it strictly decorative?
ROY (on phone): ...if you just take the bottle away from your mouth for a second there Sir, maybe I’ll be able to help...
MOSS: Oh Roy, I just can’t get used to the innate extravagance of the Californian lifestyle…
ROY: (on phone): ...are you sure? Are you really sure? Alright…
ROY pulls a face at MOSS as if to say this guys mental.
MOSS tries to drink the latte, but he doesn’t like it - so he spits the mouthful of coffee back into the cup & places it down on the side of his desk.
MOSS: It’s no flipping good. I’m missing the comforts of home, Roy.
MOSS reveals & opens a briefcase. It glows gold like Pulp Fiction. CLOSE UP: The briefcase is full of Ribena.
ROY hangs up the phone.
ROY: Eugh, these executive types - who do they think they are?
CUT TO: MOSS sits with his feet up on the desk. He has his briefcase next to him, a lit cigar in one hand & is sipping on a Ribena.
MOSS: Tell me about it! Flipping yuppies! Who was it Roy?
ROY: That joker Jack Dorsey. He wants the Twitter character limit changed again! I mean, when’s it going to stop?
MOSS: More letters?
ROY: No - less! He wants us to code in a 3 character limit.
MOSS: 3 characters? O - M - G. You can’t express anything with three characters, Roy! It’s madness.
JEN enters the office. She is flustered. She closes the door behind her, and barricades it with her body.
JEN: I’m hiding. If anyone asks for me, I’m not here… I’m… I’m dead. Tell them I’ve died, and I can’t deal with any more complaints because I’ve been buried.
ROY’S phone rings. He looks down at it. JEN glares at him. Slowly, ROY picks up the phone.
ROY: Hello, Twitter - this is Roy. What’s that sir, you want to talk to Jen?
JEN waves her hands about as if to say I’m not here.
ROY (doing a woman’s voice): This is she… how can I help you? You’ve had your account suspended, you say? Oh no, that’s terrible. Give me your username and I’ll see what I can do…
ROY looks around uncomfortable, no quite knowing what women say.
ROY (still doing a woman’s voice): ...big-boy. I’ll sort that out for you, right away. You think I’ve got a sexy voice? Er… thank you. What’s that, a date? Oh… erm…
ROY searches JEN’s face for an answer. JEN motions through sign language: No No No
ROY: ...I’d love to! Ok, see you soon hot-stuff!
ROY writes down the username onto a piece of paper, and then hangs up the phone.
JEN: What are you doing Roy!?
CUT TO: MOSS, still with his feet up - but now he has sunglasses on.
MOSS: More corporate nincompoops, Roy?
ROY: It was a feller by the name of (checks note) Glinner. He said he’s had his account banned for doing nothing more than protecting the identities of natural born females.
JEN: He’s the one who’s been pestering me all day! He got through security, and he won’t leave me alone! Why do you think I’m down here?!
ROY: I suppose now wouldn’t be the best time to tell you he’s coming down here.
We hear a knock on the office door.
GRAHAM LINEHAN (outside): Jen? Are you in there? I need to talk to you about my Twitter account!
JEN: Oh GOD. Hide me!
MOSS: Quick Jen! Hide in the ladies room! He can’t get you in there…
JEN approaches the 2 toilet doors, but they are both blank.
JEN: Which one is the ladies?
ROY: Oh, they made them both Unisex yesterday.
JEN: Like Ally McBeal?
ROY & MOSS both shrug
JEN runs into one of the toilets. MOSS gets up out of his chair and opens the office door.
ENTER: GRAHAM LINEHAN
GRAHAM: Afternoon boys. You are boys aren’t you? You’re not actually just confused lesbians who’ve been forced to transition by deranged gender doctors to fulfill a misogynistic trans-agenda to erase the notion of womanhood?
MOSS looks down at his trouser area, confused.
GRAHAM: Is that a latte? Don’t mind if I do!
GRAHAM picks up the latte on MOSS’ desk and downs the whole thing.
GRAHAM: Now, where’s this JEN? I need her to reinstate my Twitter account so I can continue to protect her from being erased by the misogynistic trans-agenda. Also, we’ve got a hot date!
MOSS: I don’t know where she is Graham, but she’s definitely not in one of those unisex toilets.
GRAHAM: Unisex!? We need to get her out of there. Doesn’t she realise she’s at imminent risk of being attacked by a mentally ill man?
GRAHAM LINEHAN bangs on the door of the unisex toilet
GRAHAM: Are you alright in there Miss? Can I help you with any of your woman-related problems? I am a man, but I am very attune to the needs of females, and even understand the basics of the menstrual cycle.
JEN: I’m fine!
GRAHAM: That’s not the voice I spoke to on the phone. The woman I spoke to over the phone had a lilting & feminine tone. That voice is much deeper. IMPOSTER! WHO ARE YOU?
JEN: I’m just trying to… poo.
GRAHAM: There is a man in there with Jen! Don’t worry, Jen. I’m coming in to save you!
GRAHAM LINEHAN takes a run up, and then runs toward the door.
INT. BATHROOM. DAY.
JEN steps into a cubicle to hide, closing the door behind her. GRAHAM LINEHAN bursts through the main toilet door, but with his momentum - carries on going and flies out of the open window - plummeting to the ground below. We hear a crash, as he falls into some bins.
ENTER TWITTER CEO: JACK DORSEY
JACK: What the FECK is going on down here?