• Jen


Series 5, Episode 1 : "Three Characters or Less"

Since we last saw the gang - Jen, Roy & Moss have moved to San Francisco to work for Twitter HQ's IT department...


ROY and MOSS sit at their desks. ROY is on the phone to an employee upstairs - he rolls his eyes & bites into a take-away cheese burger. MOSS is staring at the foam on top of his latte.

MOSS: I don’t know what this is Roy…

ROY (on phone): No, you’re going to have to speak more clearly Sir. I can’t understand you...

MOSS: Is there supposed to be sea-foam on the top? Do I drink it, or is it strictly decorative?

ROY (on phone): ...if you just take the bottle away from your mouth for a second there Sir, maybe I’ll be able to help...

MOSS: Oh Roy, I just can’t get used to the innate extravagance of the Californian lifestyle…

ROY: (on phone): ...are you sure? Are you really sure? Alright…

ROY pulls a face at MOSS as if to say this guys mental.

MOSS tries to drink the latte, but he doesn’t like it - so he spits the mouthful of coffee back into the cup & places it down on the side of his desk.

MOSS: It’s no flipping good. I’m missing the comforts of home, Roy.

MOSS reveals & opens a briefcase. It glows gold like Pulp Fiction. CLOSE UP: The briefcase is full of Ribena.

ROY hangs up the phone.

ROY: Eugh, these executive types - who do they think they are?

CUT TO: MOSS sits with his feet up on the desk. He has his briefcase next to him, a lit cigar in one hand & is sipping on a Ribena.

MOSS: Tell me about it! Flipping yuppies! Who was it Roy?

ROY: That joker Jack Dorsey. He wants the Twitter character limit changed again! I mean, when’s it going to stop?

MOSS: More letters?

ROY: No - less! He wants us to code in a 3 character limit.

MOSS: 3 characters? O - M - G. You can’t express anything with three characters, Roy! It’s madness.

JEN enters the office. She is flustered. She closes the door behind her, and barricades it with her body.

JEN: I’m hiding. If anyone asks for me, I’m not here… I’m… I’m dead. Tell them I’ve died, and I can’t deal with any more complaints because I’ve been buried.

ROY’S phone rings. He looks down at it. JEN glares at him. Slowly, ROY picks up the phone.

ROY: Hello, Twitter - this is Roy. What’s that sir, you want to talk to Jen?

JEN waves her hands about as if to say I’m not here.

ROY (doing a woman’s voice): This is she… how can I help you? You’ve had your account suspended, you say? Oh no, that’s terrible. Give me your username and I’ll see what I can do…

ROY looks around uncomfortable, no quite knowing what women say.

ROY (still doing a woman’s voice): ...big-boy. I’ll sort that out for you, right away. You think I’ve got a sexy voice? Er… thank you. What’s that, a date? Oh… erm…

ROY searches JEN’s face for an answer. JEN motions through sign language: No No No

ROY: ...I’d love to! Ok, see you soon hot-stuff!

ROY writes down the username onto a piece of paper, and then hangs up the phone.

JEN: What are you doing Roy!?

CUT TO: MOSS, still with his feet up - but now he has sunglasses on.

MOSS: More corporate nincompoops, Roy?

ROY: It was a feller by the name of (checks note) Glinner. He said he’s had his account banned for doing nothing more than protecting the identities of natural born females.

MOSS: Un-flipping-believable!

JEN: He’s the one who’s been pestering me all day! He got through security, and he won’t leave me alone! Why do you think I’m down here?!

ROY: I suppose now wouldn’t be the best time to tell you he’s coming down here.

We hear a knock on the office door.

GRAHAM LINEHAN (outside): Jen? Are you in there? I need to talk to you about my Twitter account!

JEN: Oh GOD. Hide me!

MOSS: Quick Jen! Hide in the ladies room! He can’t get you in there…

JEN approaches the 2 toilet doors, but they are both blank.

JEN: Which one is the ladies?

ROY: Oh, they made them both Unisex yesterday.

JEN: Like Ally McBeal?

ROY & MOSS both shrug

JEN runs into one of the toilets. MOSS gets up out of his chair and opens the office door.


GRAHAM: Afternoon boys. You are boys aren’t you? You’re not actually just confused lesbians who’ve been forced to transition by deranged gender doctors to fulfill a misogynistic trans-agenda to erase the notion of womanhood?

MOSS looks down at his trouser area, confused.

GRAHAM: Is that a latte? Don’t mind if I do!

GRAHAM picks up the latte on MOSS’ desk and downs the whole thing.

GRAHAM: Now, where’s this JEN? I need her to reinstate my Twitter account so I can continue to protect her from being erased by the misogynistic trans-agenda. Also, we’ve got a hot date!

MOSS: I don’t know where she is Graham, but she’s definitely not in one of those unisex toilets.

GRAHAM: Unisex!? We need to get her out of there. Doesn’t she realise she’s at imminent risk of being attacked by a mentally ill man?

GRAHAM LINEHAN bangs on the door of the unisex toilet

GRAHAM: Are you alright in there Miss? Can I help you with any of your woman-related problems? I am a man, but I am very attune to the needs of females, and even understand the basics of the menstrual cycle.

JEN: I’m fine!

GRAHAM: That’s not the voice I spoke to on the phone. The woman I spoke to over the phone had a lilting & feminine tone. That voice is much deeper. IMPOSTER! WHO ARE YOU?

JEN: I’m just trying to… poo.

GRAHAM: There is a man in there with Jen! Don’t worry, Jen. I’m coming in to save you!

GRAHAM LINEHAN takes a run up, and then runs toward the door.



JEN steps into a cubicle to hide, closing the door behind her. GRAHAM LINEHAN bursts through the main toilet door, but with his momentum - carries on going and flies out of the open window - plummeting to the ground below. We hear a crash, as he falls into some bins.

MOSS: Crikey!


JACK: What the FECK is going on down here?


©2019 by Jen Ives. Proudly created with Wix.com

This site was designed with the
website builder. Create your website today.
Start Now