TRANSCRIPTS: THE JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE
For the benefit of anyone who has always wondered what the podcast "The Joe Rogan Experience" is like, but has never had the time to sit through 3 and a half hours of it - I have jumped in front of that bullet for you, and helpfully transcribed an episode below. Listening through an entire episode was not a pleasant experience, and I am now addicted to Elk Meat, but I feel as if I have performed an important public service today.
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[Seven more minutes of advertisements redacted for time]
JOE ROGAN: Today's guest is my good friend, the stand up comedian, actor & amateur biological scientist Brendan Regan, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get on with the show.
[Theme music that hasn't aged well plays, we enter mid conversation]
BRENDAN REGAN: ...and they said he was "stunning & brave". I don't get that man. It's fuckin' weird dude.
JOE ROGAN: So fuckin' weird man! You gotta say "she" though now dude. Woman of the year! You'll get cancelled...
BRENDAN REGAN: Sorry, "she". Hey would you bang one?
[JOE ROGAN LIGHTS A CIGAR]
JOE ROGAN: You want one of these?
BRENDAN REGAN: Hand one over dawg.
JOE ROGAN: Yeah baby! Look man, I support your right to look like and be whatever you want to be. People think I'm this conservative guy, or whatever just because I've had a couple of alt-right fascists on the podcast, but actually I'm a really liberal dude. You can't find someone who's more liberal than me. It's impossible, I'm tellin' you.
BRENDAN REGAN: Yeah, but would you though?
JOE ROGAN: Fuck no dude. That's gay as fuck.
BRENDAN REGAN: I dunno man, there are some convincing ones. If I were a little wasted, a little desperate. Maybe it's Halloween? Who knows... Hey, have we started?
JOE ROGAN: Yeah son, always rolling.
BRENDAN REGAN: Oh right... anyway man, what's been going on? You still doing that all-meat diet?
JOE ROGAN: 3 weeks now. All meat, every meal. No greens, no wheat.
BRENDAN REGAN: And how you feelin?
JOE ROGAN: Amazing dude. This is how our ancestors ate. I feel like I'm tapped into that primal shit, you know?
BRENDAN REGAN: Dude, is there a weird smell in here?
JOE ROGAN: It'll pass.
BRENDAN REGAN: I gotta try that, man. My girl's got me on some soy shit right now.
JOE ROGAN: Like a little soy boy.
BRENDAN REGAN: Fuck you man.
JOE ROGAN: You gotta be careful with that soy shit dude. You'll grow tits.
BRENDAN REGAN: What? No!
JOE ROGAN: I'm serious man, that's what it does. Why do you think the transgenders love it so much?
BRENDAN REGAN: Aw, they do?
JOE ROGAN: Yeah man - stop eating that shit.
BRENDAN REGAN: Transgenders weird me out, dude.
JOE ROGAN: Can't say that anymore man, you'll get cancelled.
BRENDAN REGAN: You can't say anything...
JOE ROGAN: You know, we had this transgender on the podcast one time...
BRENDAN REGAN: For real? See man, you are progressive as fuck.
JOE ROGAN: That's what I'm sayin'. It was like, 900 episodes ago I think. This big body builder, porn star dude. Like, I'm tellin' you man - if you just looked at this guy in the gym you'd like DAMN. But get this - he's got a pussy.
BRENDAN REGAN: WHAT!? Dude that makes me feel weird...
JOE ROGAN: He'd fuck you up though.
BRENDAN REGAN: Fuck you dude.
JOE ROGAN: Imagine that, being fucked up by her. I mean "him". You gotta say "him" even though it's not a "him" right?
BRENDAN REGAN: Yeah, but if it's Halloween how can you be expected to know?
JOE ROGAN: What do you mean?
BRENDAN REGAN: I dunno man, I'm just sayin... Oh, dude - I saw that video of you shooting the bear with the bow and arrow. Man, that was fuckin' sick dude!
JOE ROGAN: I didn't enjoy it. You HAVE to do it.
BRENDAN REGAN: For real?
JOE ROGAN: Yeah dude, the bear population is out of control. If you don't control the numbers, who knows how many picnic baskets they'e gonna get. If my kids want to have a picnic in a black-bear's natural habitat, I don't see why a bear should be able to come in an ruin that, you know? So you've gotta kill them.
BRENDAN REGAN: Totally agree man.
JOE ROGAN: And if you're gonna do it, do it in a cool as fuck way. Use a fucking arrow, like a primal man.
BRENDAN REGAN: Yeah man. Then do some DMT!
JOE ROGAN: You want some?
BRENDAN REGAN: Right now?
JOE ROGAN: Yeah man, we got tonnes of it.
[JOE ROGAN HANDS BRENDAN REGAN A SNACK BOWL FILLED WITH DMT]
BRENDAN REGAN: What's going to happen if I take this?
JOE ROGAN: The thing about DMT is, it totally expands your mind. You see shit. When I did it, I was visited by this being of light, and it told me that the universe is infinite with possibilities. It showed me how loose the fabric of "reality" really is, man. I had a revelation about how we aren't even people, we're just energy & we should unshackle ourselves from the limitations of societally imposed norms...
BRENDAN REGAN: What about these trannies though?
JOE ROGAN: Oh man, look - biology is a fact. Men and women exist, and I'm sorry you aren't gonna convince me otherwise.
BRENDAN REGAN: I'm scared though - what if I take DMT and I end up sleeping with one? It was only shots last time, and it was Halloween so it doesn't really count, right?
JOE ROGAN: Dude I wanna show you this video...
BRENDAN REGAN: What is it?
JOE ROGAN: It's this chimp, dude.
BRENDAN REGAN: A chimp?
JOE ROGAN: Yeah son, he's a TRAINED - AKIDO - MASTER. This UFC guy is fighting him, pull that up Jamie...look...
[JOE PLAYS THE VIDEO FOR BRENDAN. JOE STARTS TO SHOUT INAUDIBLY IN JOY]
BRENDAN REGAN: Holy shit dude. That's amazing.
JOE ROGAN: It's amazing man, we share our DNA with them. That's a little person, right there. A little alien person.
BRENDAN REGAN: Dude, aliens. What do you think?
JOE ROGAN: Look dude, the Universe is too big for there NOT to be aliens among us.
BRENDAN REGAN: Do you think transgenders are aliens?
JOE ROGAN: What do you mean?
BRENDAN REGAN: Like, they could be some kind of alien - or alien experiment, right? That would explain them...
JOE ROGAN: I guess so...
BRENDAN REGAN: So, if you hypothetically slept with one... that wouldn't be gay because it'd be an alien and not a man.
JOE ROGAN: It's a good theory, dude.
BRENDAN REGAN: Hey man, you got plans for Halloween tonight?
[podcast continues in same vein for another 2 hours and 50 minutes]
[End of transcript]